Hi. My name’s Nicole and I’m a (former) stress addict.
I put the former in parentheses because it’s a daily struggle for me to not fall into my old pattern of making bad decisions that bring more overwhelm into my life (and then complaining about HOW STRESSFUL everything is to everyone I know). My former stress addiction is also why I’ve become so passionate about helping other women figure out ways to stress less… because when you learn how to stress less, you bring a lot more fun and enjoyable experiences (and people) into your life!
I’m honestly not really sure when my addiction to stress began, but for a long time I believe life needed to be HARD in order to make myself feel like I mattered or was important in this world. What would I talk about if I couldn’t complain about how little money I had or how hard my job was or how no one else could possibly understand how tough it was to live my life? I needed to be miserable and misunderstood at my job so I could go home and rest and reward myself with hours and hours of (often bad) TV shows, so that I had a reason to avoid exercise, cooking healthy meals, and anything else that would actually help me combat stress.
I was always a worrier, but I think my stress addiction really intensified after grad school when I lived in NYC. After all, it is the city that never sleeps – you’re supposed to be working a lot, and then socializing all night, and then waking up and doing it all over again (while looking your very best and squeezing in time for the gym!). Self-care was not a part of my world at that time and if I did anything nice for myself, I obsessed over the cost and I felt guilty about the time spent on it!
In my mind, I somehow believe that my life wasn’t going to be good unless I struggled first and for me that struggle meant being stressed out (and often unhappy) most of the time.
When I lived in NYC, I was a new social worker in a dreary neighborhood in Harlem helping underprivileged kids while I struggled to pay my ridiculous rent and enormous grad school loans. Living in NYC sounds like a lot of fun, but when you can’t really afford a good quality of life it isn’t very exciting at all. People in NYC are moving in and out all the time, so it was hard for me to develop a stable group of friends and I always felt like I was on my own. For the first year or two, I didn’t even realize how stressed I was because I just thought that was the way life was supposed to be! I’m also really good at tuning out how I really feel and ignoring what’s going on when I want to, especially if I think I need to make changes (because I always considered change a bad thing back then).
Eventually it all caught up to me and I hated getting out of bed in the morning. I hated struggling to pay my bills. I hated that I never got to take vacations anywhere nice. Lots of good things happened to me, but I never really focused on them. If someone brought them up, I would then stick a “But….” into the conversation and proceed to bring up some problem that I was having.
I never allowed myself to appreciate or enjoy the things in my life that were going great.
When I finally accepted how stressful my lifestyle really was, I dealt with it in a pretty dramatic way — I made plans to quit my job and moved back to NJ so I could save some money and then I decided to take off and travel and volunteer in Venezuela for a few months (just look how happy and stress+less I look in that picture above). Traveling in Venezuela by myself was an amazing experience that I would never take back (yes it was a bit stressful traveling in a country where I didn’t speak the language alone but that’s a good type of stress and a whole other story), but it really just put a band-aid on my stressed out lifestyle. I thought that when I returned home I would feel amazing and my lifestyle would completely change. But it didn’t— at least not overnight, and this was a bit of a shock because of course I want immediate results.
I kept working at changing my habits and over time I developed healthier habits that led to less stress.
I chose jobs that allowed to me do the work that I wanted with the clients that I wanted. When I outgrew a job, I would leave it instead of forcing myself to make it work. I figured out that learning to go with the flow when it comes to change makes a lot more sense than resisting it (ok just because I figured it out doesn’t mean that I do it all the time, but I try!!!). I learned about mindfulness, which means actually being in the present moment and not always trying to live in the past and future. This has probably had the biggest effect on my stress level as I spent way too much time obsessing over things I couldn’t control and ignoring my feelings in an effort to make them go away (they never do!).
I also got smarter about recognizing that I can’t always try to change people to who I want them to be, and that I can only work on changing how I deal with things.
I don’t want to paint a perfect picture of my stress+less life — there are days when I fall back to my horrible habits of comforting myself with junk food or wasting a beautiful Saturday on my couch watching TV, or working on 10 different projects at one time instead of focusing on what I really need to. There are nights where I realize I never paused or took any deep breaths throughout the day. But now I notice those times more often and instead of getting mad at myself, I work on getting back on track with being more aware and setting better intentions of living a life with less stress.
Stressing less is now something I’ve become passionate about helping others learn how to do.
We’re living in a world where we want everything to happen instantly and we spend a lot of time time with our heads buried in our iPhones and laptops without ever really giving ourselves a break from work. We lose out on opportunities to connect with our friends and family. We feel that working hard and taking fewer breaks makes us successful. We struggle to not feel guilty when we take time out for vacations and fun times with our friends! I want everyone to be able to slow down and experience life as it’s actually happening.
I wanted to confess my stress addiction story to you so that you know you’re not alone in your struggles with stress and overwhelm and your need to feel busy. You can learn ways to work through it. There are different strategies that work for all of us and I would love for all of us to share our struggles to stress less. I’ve been interviewing other women who also identify as (former) Stress Addicts and I’m excited to start sharing their stories here on my blog. I hope that you’ll continue to join me in reading “Confessions of a (former) Stress Addict” so that we can continue to learn new ways to stress less and live more.
I’d love to hear about your experiences with stress. Do you identify as a stress addict or (former) stress addict? Share your story in the comments below!
I am a (former) stress addict too 🙂 Thank you for opening up and sharing your story. I’ve always been someone who values a strong work ethic in myself so no matter what I do I put in 110%. Unfortunately, while $hit may get done it doesn’t leave a lot of room for mindfulness and enjoying the moment. I’m getting a lot better though and your tips have definitely helped me. That and my new hobby of listening to commencement speeches haha 😉 One day at a time, right? Looking forward to this series!
Catherine, I can definitely relate! I always felt doing and completing were the most important things, but it was really experiencing and enjoying that mattered most to me. I didn’t figure that out for awhile though, because I was stubborn and determined to try to make “My way”work.
I love your story and how it is a daily process! I definitely can relate. Some days feel more successful for me as a former stress addict too. Cheers to taking it one day at a time!
Hi Lyn! Thanks for reading — How did you realize you were a stress addict?
I don’t know that I ever would have called myself a stress addict, but I could relate to some of the taking-too-much-on-and-then-wondering-how-I-manage-all-the-moving-parts stuff. Looking forward to your series. (and why do i keep forgetting that you’re in NJ too?) 🙂
Thanks for reading Deb — I think all of us take on too much at times, but some of us really don’t know how to not do that at all!
Great post Nicole and you did a great job telling your story. I need to take some many lessons from you!
Thanks Jenn! It took awhile for me to straighten myself out and get on the stress+less life track, but it was worth it!
Wow, Nicole, what an interesting story! I can relate to a lot of what you wrote, as I think you know. Looking forward to the rest of the series!
Thanks for checking it out Beth! I know you have exciting adventures ahead of you as well 🙂
Thanks for sharing your story! I’m currently a stress addicted trying to fight it. For the first time in my life the stress is having physical manifestations in terms of my health. I’ve a major client who has told me that they may or may not being needing my services due a company restructure. Currently they are about half my income (retainer client) and trying not to worry about it is quite hard. I teeth grind, lose my appetite and a few other things. It’s the worst I’ve ever been. I unfortunately haven’t spent a lot of time on my business marketing until now but I’m really worried its too late. The best medicine for me at the moment has been going surfing regularly. It’s a great stress reliever as I don’t have the time to even think about my problems. Like you it is definitely a daily struggle.
Great article Nicole. We are so used to being busy and stressed that we think it’s normal until we burn out and get sick. Keep up the good work! 🙂
It’s so true that we totally find it normal to be that way — I truly believe that if I didn’t tell people about how busy I was all the time that it meant they would think less of me!
Thanks so much for sharing your story. There is so much in here I can relate to– like thinking life has to be HARD. Sometimes, I have nothing to do on a Thursday and I’m like “what’s wrong with me?? I should be busting my you-know-what.” Overcoming those feeling is definitely a journey. You are inspiring!
I totally hear ya! When things slowed down for me, I actually thought something was wrong and I didn’t want anyone to know in case they thought that my life was too easy… especially living in NYC, it really felt like a competition to do more and have more!
I can totally relate! When I was in the corporate world, I always felt like I didn’t have the time or freedom to make self-care a priority. When I started my own business and working from home, self-care still wasn’t much of a priority. That’s when I realized my problem was ME and I had to figure out how to approach life differently, with less stress/business and more mindfulness. I’m working on it, but I’ve got a long way to go. Some days are better than others. I’m excited to follow your series!
It’s true — I thought it was where I worked, where I lived, who I spent mine with that was stressing me out without taking responsibility for the fact that I was choosing to put myself into all those situations. Let me know if I can help you with anything!
“life needed to be HARD in order to make myself feel like I mattered or was important in this world.”
^ that line says it all! i’m not a stress addict (i don’t think?), but i think that mentality that we need to struggle to be successful, or that struggling is proof that we’re living a successful life, is tough to overcome. it’s hard to believe sometimes that life can be easy, fulfilling, and full of success – i have to remind myself that sometimes! that was a great read – thanks for sharing your story!
I still struggle with believing that life can be easy, but I am definitely aware that I don’t want it to be hard anymore! I think part of my struggle was believing that people would like me more too if my life was hard and difficult, but the reality is who likes a whiner??
This was such an awesome, honest and real post – I love it. The part about “rewarding yourself” with things that are bad for you because your life is “so hard” really hit home for me. I still do that quite often! Like, I’ll think, “I had a terrible fight with my boyfriend today soooo I deserve this fast food” or whatever. But now I realize how backwards that is, since that stuff really makes us feel worse in the long run.
Thank you for sharing this girl! xo
Yessss! I still go to reward myself with unhealthy choices when I have a bad day or something doesn’t go my way, and I tend to minimize all the amazing things that happen for me but I’m definitely more mindful about it and I can bring myself back to the present much more quickly now.
Reading this I realize how far I’ve come from being addicted to stress and now living in a very relaxed and enjoyable way. I trust that when I do less I actually get more done, and my health and happiness is so much higher.
I’ve also learned to really prioritize my own aliveness and vitality, as well as intimate relationships and the importance of love and connection. Because if we don’t have that, what’s the point?
Thanks for sharing so openly Nicole!
Love,
Ronja
Hi Ronja! I’m so happy to hear about how you’re living your life in a stress+less way!
I, too, am a former stress addict. I stressed myself into adrenal insufficiency (in other words, I used up all of my stress hormones and caused my adrenal glands to, temporarily, stop producing them). I already had a chronic illness and had been on disability previously. I had to go back on disability and quit a job I loved. It took me many years to identify my role in the process and learn to live victoriously in the moment.
Wow Darbi! I’m so sorry to hear about the health problems stress brought on for you! What has been the biggest contributor in allowing you to live in the moment?
I think I fit in the “former” category, as well. As I get older, I have less patience for circumstances that create conflict or pain. I’m still willing to challenge myself, but with experiences that are fulfilling, not leeching. This goes for work, volunteering, as well as family and other relationships. Circumstances will always be presenting new challenges and I always have control over how I react/respond. Other people may not understand my choices, but that’s another stress that I am letting go. Thanks for sharing your story!
I’m a big stresser too but I’ve never thought of the idea of being addicted to it. I can really relate to what you say about feeling like I need to struggle to get to the good bit. While I’ve never lived in New York I think living in any big city can feel like you always need to be ‘on’. There’s so much happening all the time and you don’t want to miss out. Loved reading your story Nicole 🙂
Thanks so much for reading Michaela! Do you live in a big city too? Being “on” all the time can definitely lead us to miss out on more over time because of the exhaustion that happens from it!
Wow, you have went deep and hit it right on the target! I was born and raised in Boston, Ma. So I know stress, it used to try and be my BFF ;).
I am a natural stress repellent, I try to avoid it like the plague. Stress makes me health wise, sick. I hate falling back into the stress-zone and it can be hard to come out of it sometimes. It is like being caught in a rip current.
Thanks for reading Marilyn! How were you able to break up with stress?
Girl I majorly hear you on this one. Former stress and anxiety addict over here! I used to burn out regularly every 6 weeks from trying to do waaaay too much. Craziness.
Thank you for not saying it’s an instant change, and that it was a gradual process for you. I really appreciate when people are transparent about time and change.
I love your message and your mission. Can’t wait to see more from you!